


"Why am I friends with you people?"

by bigmenwinthese



Series: Big D's Oneshots/Drabbles [5]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crack, Family Dynamics, Gen, OOC, dont take anything seriously, funny quotes, i was lazy when i wrote this, theyre all ooc in this probably, this is just a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:30:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28933323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigmenwinthese/pseuds/bigmenwinthese
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes with the Dream SMP members! Might delete later.Mostly centered around Tommy, Tubbo, Purpled and Ranboo.
Relationships: ALL PLATONIC, Grayson | Purpled & Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Grayson | Purpled & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Grayson | Purpled & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Grayson | Purpled & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: Big D's Oneshots/Drabbles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2064939
Comments: 14
Kudos: 272





	"Why am I friends with you people?"

**Author's Note:**

> This might get deleted later because I was lazy and drunk when I wrote this and I spent half an hour searching up funny quotes on the internet. This is an AU where everyone is friends with each other and they have families.

Tubbo looked over to Purpled in confusion. “Why are you smiling?” 

“What? Can’t I just be happy?” He asked, sounding a bit offended. 

“Tommy tripped and fell in the parking lot!” Ranboo exclaimed, flailing his arms around in a panic. 

…

“Do you want the good news or the bad news..?” Tommy nervously glanced over to the other. 

Purpled crossed his arms, arching an eyebrow. “What’s the good news?” 

“It is highly unlikely I’ll ever do that again.” 

“WHO ATE MY SECRET PUDDING!?” Tubbo yelled from the kitchen.

…

“Hey, do you think I can fit ten marshmallows in my mouth?” Ranboo suddenly asked. 

“You’re a hazard to society.” Tubbo deadpanned. 

Tommy barged into the room with a smirk on his face. “And a coward. Do twenty.”

…

“We’re having another child.” Kristin proudly announced, smiling. 

“Oh! That’s great! Congratulation-”

Ranboo was cut off when Phil suddenly placed the adoption papers on the table. “It’s you. Sign here.” 

…

The four of them sat next to each other as they hid away from the Dream Team, out of breath. “Looks like we’re on to Plan B.” Tommy stated, making sure to keep his voice down so they wouldn’t get caught by the three older men. 

“Technically, this would be Plan G.” Tubbo said as a matter-of-factly. 

“How many plans do we have? Is there like...a Plan M?” Ranboo genuinely asked out of confusion. 

Tommy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but we die in Plan M.” 

“I like Plan M.” Purpled bluntly replied. 

…

“Hey Techno, can you teach me how to hoe?” Tommy walked to the living room where his older brother was currently chilling. 

“Rude.” Techno replied, sipping on a glass of wine. “But yes.” 

…

“Birth certificates are just receipts of people.” Punz explained to his younger brother. 

“How and where can I return myself?” 

“Purpled, no-”

…

“Do you ever feel bugs on you when there are no bugs?” Sapnap slightly tilted his head to the side. 

George pondered on that thought. “Those must be the ghosts of all the bugs you killed.”

There was a short pause, until Tommy then spoke up. “What the fuck Gogy, you scared the shit out of him-”

…

Tubbo was on a call with Tommy, asking him to come over to his house. “Soo..what are you bringing with you to dinner?”

“My negative attitude and sparkling personality.” 

“Tommy please, I don’t want you getting kicked out of the house again-”

…

“The path to inner peace begins with four words.” Wilbur glanced over to Tommy who was being strangled to death by Techno as the younger screamed for help. He then took a deep breath and sighed. “Not my fucking problem.”

“Oh my god-” Phil let out a sigh.

…

“Boys, can I give you some advice?” Schlatt looked over to his two sons in question. 

“Absolutely not.” Both Dream and Tubbo replied simultaneously with a stoic look on their faces. 

…

“Purpled? Why are you crying?” Ponk sat down next to him, a look of concern laced on his face. 

“Someone told me Pluto isn’t real!” Purpled replied through sobs. Now Ponk was visibly confused.

“But it's not a planet-”

“HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!”

…

“Are you okay?” Niki looked over to Wilbur, who was still laying down on the couch. 

“I just have this headache that comes and goes.” 

At that moment, Tommy suddenly burst into the room. “WILBUR! You’ll never believe what I just found!” 

Wilbur groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “It appears to be back.” 

…

“I will make you feel sorry that you were ever born!” 

“Well, for your information, I am already sorry that I was born.” Ranboo replied nonchalantly. 

…

“Could you do a small favor for me? Pleaase?” Tubbo pleaded, looking up to his older brother. 

“I would kill for you but go on.” Dream replied.    
  


“That’s not what I-” 

…

“I hate the way you pack my lunch.” 

“Maybe you should pack your own lunch then.” 

Sam watched in horror as Quackity stuffed 32 oreos in his lunchbox. “Okay, maybe I’ll pack your lunch instead-”

…

“You know what? If you’re not perfect, that’s okay.” Tommy said softly, a gentle smile on his face. “You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to feel bad about yourself for not being perfect.” 

Tubbo smiled. “Awwee, Tommy-” 

“Because obviously, nobody can be as perfect as I am, and that is completely normal.” 

“I take back what I said.” Purpled grumbled in frustration. 

…

“Explain to me how you two got in an accident.” Kristin glared at the two men, who were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. 

“So um...we were driving and there was a deer on the road and Wilbur didn’t notice it so I said “Wilbur, deer!” and...” George nervously rubbed the back of his neck. 

Kristin raised an eyebrow. “And..?” 

George turned his head to Wilbur. “Tell her what you replied with.”

Wilbur let out a defeated sigh. “Yes, sunshine?” 

…

“So we are-” 

“We should make memes.” Tommy interrupted, cutting off Purpled. 

“Huh?”

“Memes.” 

“Tommy no-” 

“Tommy yes.”

“Tommy n-” 

Tubbo and Ranboo suddenly burst into the room. “Tommy yes.” 

“I hate you all.” Purpled deadpanned. 

…

“You know what? We’re clever too, bitch!” Tommy jabbed a finger against Fundy’s chest. 

“Oh yeah? Then what’s the difference between a zygote and a gamete?” Fundy quirked an eyebrow as he crossed his arms. 

Connor pulled Tommy aside. “Don’t listen to him. He’s just making up words.”

...

“Why is your back all scratched up?” Puffy asked out of concern as soon as she saw him. 

Tommy had a flashback of chasing down a raccoon that stole Tubbo’s bandana. 

“I’m having an affair.” 

…

“I’m quick at math.” HBomb proudly stated. 

Ant smirked in amusement. “Okay then, what’s thirty-eight times seventy-six?”

“Twnety-four.” 

“That’s not even close-”

“But it was quick.”

…

**[Ph1LzA has joined the group chat.]**

**Child:** DAD

**bees!:** hi dad!!   


**minutes man:** hey dad

**bed:** yo dad

**[Ph1LzA has left the group chat.]**

…

“Tommy is at that very special age when a boy has only one thing in his mind.” Bad explained. 

“Girls?” Skeppy mused. 

“Suicide.” Tommy replied. 

…

Bad stared up into the night sky, smiling fondly. “The stars are beautiful tonight.” 

“Yeah…” Quackity quietly said, taking a seat next to Bad. 

“You know who else is beautiful?” 

“Who..?” 

“Skeppy.” 

…

“Aren’t you kids a little too young to be fighting in wars?” Puffy asked, looking over at the four of them. 

Purpled, Tommy, Ranboo and Tubbo exchanged looks with each other, before nodding simultaneously. “Why yes, yes we are.” 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Should I make a roommates AU with the four minors? I'll let you guys decide for me lol


End file.
